Deep Wounds Require Deep Work – TMWS06

Rich: If you've been following along for a little bit, you probably know that I've been on a bit of a journey in terms of talk therapy…in terms of EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, which is a more intense type of therapy to help you go through old memories.
And so you might find this most commonly with folks like myself who have PTSD. In my case, it's complex PTSD.

But one of the challenging but necessary aspects of this therapy is that you tap into old memories, foundational memories that are the source of trauma that are the source of triggering, so that you can feel the feelings and go through the thought process that you didn't have a chance to go through then (because you were trying to survive) and experience all of the feelings and then move on.

And now that doesn't mean that these traumatic things that happen to you, they just go away altogether, but you're not as sensitive, you don't react as strongly, and again, there are so many things that can be a trigger to someone who's been through trauma. And I found that in life generally.

So speaking for myself, I found that in life when I've had situations where I've blown up, or I've gotten really angry, where I've acted out of character, a lot of times it wasn't what was happening in that particular moment that set me off. It was what that particular moment reminded me of. And I'll give you a real world example.

There was a point in time where I was almost Will Smith, except I wasn't walking up on a stage I was about to walk across the room and put hands on somebody. And I'm so glad that I didn't. And the reason that I didn't, was because boo boo kins was right there with me.

And it's not about whether Jada should have grabbed Will or anything like that.

I share that because at that moment in time, when this particular thing happened, I felt like nobody cared. I felt like I was alone. I felt like nobody stuck up for me. I had all of these thoughts and probably a few second time span, and then I started seeing red. And then I got boo boo kins trying g to calm me down. I got other people looking at me, like I'm probably out of my mind.

But in that exact moment, I was stuck in a flashback, it had nothing to do with what actually transpired at that particular event at that moment in time. It was what it reminded me of my experience growing up. And that's the type of stuff that I've been confronting in therapy and the things that I've been processing to try to understand, why do I do a lot of the things that I do.

And not only why do I do a lot of the things that I do, but how can I apply the tools that I've been developing over these past few years.

So I find myself in fewer situations where I'm losing my cool or acting in such a way that I know I'm going to be embarrassed about later on.

So I in no way condone what Will Smith did. And I still don't know the ultimate motivations and underlying factors, everyone attached all their shit to myself included, because when he delivered that slab, I did get some catharsis from that, but only because in some way, it felt like justice in that situation had nothing to do with me at all. But in some way, it felt like justice, which I've learned through this process, that injustice is one of my biggest triggers.

Perceived injustice. And now I'm not talking about like someone getting away with like stealing a candy bar, I'm talking about something where somebody is mentally, emotionally physically harmed, and there are no repercussions for it.

And so I in no way condone what Will Smith did, but if he was trapped in a flashback, and he did see red, and he walked up there and took action, because he felt like he was getting vengeance for something that happened many, many years ago. I have the empathy to understand that even if it was wrong.

But yeah, let me update you on this journey because healing is freaking exhausting. It is exhausting. And one thing that not even over just the past few months, but I think even over the past couple of years, every time I feel like I've gotten to the root of all of these different challenges that I've had throughout life, something else comes up and I have to spend time processing something else.

And there have been several times over the past few months where I'm like, Alright, I've finally gotten to the root of what's going on. I know what it is and ready to work on it only for me to dig a little deeper and find more than have to process it dig a little deeper and find more, then have to process it. And that's been going on for a while now.

But yeah, I recently had a breakthrough where I got comfortable enough to finally have a conversation with my mom about all of his past trauma, and how the dynamic between her and my dad impacted me to this very day. And it wasn't an easy conversation to have. But it was a necessary conversation to have. And it's probably the most enlightening conversation that we had, but in a way that I didn't expect.

And so I won't get into all the details of everything but I'm telling her about the various trauma that I endured growing up. I'm talking to her about the dynamic between her and my dad and how that's impacted me to this very day. And I get to the end. And you know, I'm thinking that she's gonna get emotional, she's gonna cry, she's gonna say, I never knew.

And you know what her response was? Gee, good luck healing from that.

Good luck healing from that. And it was at that moment that I realized exactly where I came from.

So I love my mom, I love my mom dearly. But it was the moment that I accepted that I grew up with two emotionally absent people who were doing the best that they could, whatever that meant for them at that particular time.

But that still ultimately had the impact that it did on me. And for all of this time, I've been worried about having this conversation with her, how she's gonna react and disappointing her and, you know, is she gonna want to talk to me afterward. And then I actually get her response. And I see, like, this is what I had to work with. And again, I love my mom, but this is what I had to work with one parent who was emotionally unattached, dissociated, and emotionally unavailable. I mean, that's probably the same thing as emotionally detached.

And then another parent who dissociated through alcohol and drugs, who wasn't there mentally most of the time, because he was out of his mind, you know, and it shit that seems really fucking unfair. It does. And it is, and so many of us got our wings clipped in one way or another when we were younger, and we never had a shot. Many of us never had a shot.

Me going through all of this and realizing in retrospect, that my situation was not what I thought it was realizing in hindsight that I did not grow up the way that I thought that I grew up, and having to process that.

That's heavy work. That's heavy work.

I can tell you while I'm thinking about all this, the podcast is the furthest thing from my mind. But I'm back now because I had this conversation. And I think that I've been blocked for a long time, because I've kept so much of this energy in and I've kept so many of these thoughts and never actually shared them with my mom, because I was worried about how she might respond.

And even that has shaped the way that I interact with people, becoming a people pleaser, you know, things like that. But she was able to withstand what I said, in fact, she was just fine, or at least it appeared that way. And I think getting that perspective, where now I'm like, yo, this is what I had to work with.

What else was I supposed to do? And was it unfair?

Yes, it was really fucking unfair, anyone who has to deal with shit like this, it's really fucking unfair. And it impacts people in ways that they don't even know ways that I did not know for the majority of my life.

And so here I am now 39 years old, putting the pieces back together. But thankfully, I have a supportive partner, I have a coach that I can turn to, I've got multiple therapists I can turn to, I've got friends or mastermind partners that I can turn to, I've got places that I can turn to, I've got tracking food, which I'm gonna talk about that in a little while, which has become one of my biggest outlets.

While I've been going through all of this. And yo, just like the episode is titled, deep wounds require deep work. And I've been doing the deepest work of my life. And it's been crazy to have like the bulk of things going well, probably better than they've ever gone. But yet to have this constant burden, weight fatigue, that is that is starting to lift, but to have this weight and fatigue and exhaustion, from trying to put the pieces together that never should have been broken apart in the first place.

So that's what I've been going through. And I'm gonna keep updating you on this journey along the way. But there's a lot of positive stuff that's happened too and that's usually the case. A bunch of good things that are happening and then there's all of this deep internal work that I've been doing.

And I mentioned track earlier. In March, I traveled to New York City to compete at the USA Track and Field, masters track and field championships at the armory where I hadn't jumped since like 2007. And yeah, I ended up winning the bronze medal in my age group.

So while all this is going on, only about probably eight to nine months back in the training, considering that I just got back on track on July 1 of 2021. To get to march to the point that in my first championship meet back, I'm winning the bronze medal for my age group. I can't wait to see where I am in July when I jump at the outdoor track and field championships in Kentucky.

And like I mentioned track and field really has been a huge part of my self-care. It's something that I look forward to even though the workouts are painful, but I even look forward to the recovery. Because now I'm trying out things Like ice baths, which I used to do back in the day, I'm trying out cryotherapy, I'm looking into other health and wellness modalities to see what works in terms of my recovery.

I'm working on my sleep habits and my sleep, health, and hygiene so I can get more rest. Because oh, by the way, in addition to everything else that's happening, I'm also studying to become a certified wellness coach. And that should be complete, by the time we get into May. So I've got that going on in the background as well.

And you know, it has been eye opening to understand the role that sleep plays. And just to understand the way different hormones and chemicals and all of these things interact throughout our body throughout the day. And I'm looking forward to talking a lot more about the wellness side of things. And it's a way that I have naturally been gravitating toward anyway, because I'm on this journey. And it's not just a mental one, it is a holistic wellbeing journey.

It is one where I'm not trying to find the ultimate balance, um, just trying to find more balance on a day to day basis, because it's never going to be perfect. Things are never going to be 100% aligned, there's always going to be something that requires some tinkering or some adjustment.

But for me, how can I get the most out of the time that I have available? How can I elevate my energy? How can I be a better part?

So why am I sharing all of this? Because I know too many people who are publicly winning, who are struggling behind the scenes, overachievers, high performers, online celebrities, and even some real life folks who on the surface are doing really well. But they are struggling behind the scenes with things not just that happened today. But things that happened years ago.

And I want to start showing people that there's a different way to win, you know, and I want to talk about how you invest in a different way where it's more about the continuous investments and self because if you're not in good health, you're not in a good space, a lot of the other stuff is not going to matter.

Yeah, money helps. But if all the other aspects of your life are in poor shape, you're probably not going to spend that money wisely. And if you do, you're probably still going to be in a situation where those people who are most important in your life aren't getting the most out of you, hell, you're not getting the most out of yourself. So you're gonna hear me talking about that alot more when I come back, sharing more of this journey, and also talking to folks who can speak to the many aspects of health.

I know I probably said that in a past episode too. But having had this conversation with my mom, I did feel a bit of a release. And I do feel like I'm getting closer to regularly releasing episodes, and getting back behind this microphone.

So that is all that I have for today. And I thank you so much for listening, if you made it this far, I truly will be back soon. I'm looking forward to getting it into a regular cadence.

I was just saying the other day that it's time to get back to creating. But it was really important that I did this deep work, that I continue to do this deep work, and I want to make sure that I'm not only talking about it but that I'm living it.

So until next time, be safe. I'm out. Do something dope. Peace.